Birthday: June 2nd
Height: 5’ hmm”
Hometown: Danville, Indiana
Position: Jammer, blocker
Signature move/trademark: The red, white, and black splatter-striped Hurtinelli Helmet, designed after Eddie Van Halen’s guitar. (For those born post-1985: Eddie Van Halen was Valerie Bertinelli’s ex, see.)

What was your first car?
An orange Gremlin stick shift with no pedal on the brake post, holes in the backseat floorboard, and drive-in movie speakers propped up in the back window for sound. My dad bought it from a guy for $100.

What do you do for a living?
Famous writer

What are the names of your pets, and what are they?
Annie, a cat

What do you like to do outside of derby?
I like to do a little bit of a lot of things: go on bike rides with my family; sleep in kitschy hotels; sit at the counter; watch John Hughes movies; read Truman Capote and Dorothy Parker; practice my pop ‘n’ lock; hunt for garage sale treasures; cook for friends; take bubble baths; and rock out with my derby sisters.

Were you a troublemaker as a kid?
I was a nice Quaker girl.

As an adult?
I am still a nice Quaker girl, but the pacifist has been hip-checked out of me.

What / who inspires you?
Beautiful words.

What is the meaning behind your derby name?
I grew up watching Valerie Bertinelli on One Day at a Time, which was actually set in Indianapolis. (Trivia buffs take note: My number, 402, is their apartment number on the show.) She is the girl next door, but she’s tough. And she always lands on her feet. I like that.

What advice would you give to anyone looking to make it in the real world?
Never forget that character is what you do when nobody’s looking.

What is your favorite inspirational quote?
Lenny Bruce said that flamenco is an art form in which the dancer applauds his own ass. This quote has nothing to do with derby, but it makes me giggle.

What is your favorite sports movie?
Blue Crush

What kind of wheels do you skate on?
Orange Sure Grip Pushers and red Radar Tuners

Tailbone protector or padded shorts?
Padded shorts

What advice would you give to someone looking to enter the world of derby?
You will be amazed at the things your body will do for you when you tell it that quitting is not an option.

What would surprise people the most to know about you?
I can do the worm, and I can sing Amazing Grace to the tune of the Gilligan’s Island theme song.